Girls Talk # Part 1

tiba-tiba rasa macam malas nak further this relationship. why why why ohh? am i being too emotional? am i being too tired sebab baru je balik from rompin surveying places for baktisiswa? oh and thank you to khairani, syuaidah, paan and not forget our driver chot for your willingness to go to rompin and went back on the same day. hehe penat tapi berbaloi-baloi gak lah kan? 

well, setelah berfikir agak panjang. i'm thinking on how tired am i to get involve in this relationship. bukannya nak jadi cerewet or banyak songeh, it is just i am trying hard to make this relationship glow, but why he do nothing to impress me? honestly i am not being overwhelmed with his love. and i'm not that excited for this relationship. memang dah lama he ngorat2 me but i didn't take action pun. pastu bila sekarang dah suka sikit, dia pulak buat macam endah tak endah. tak fahamnyaaa. 

this is the honest honest one. did he know that i boleh pergi kat orang lain sesuka hati i je? tapi kenapa dia tak risau langsung? dia tak risau i lari pergi kat sapa2 ke? bukannya nak bajet hot tapi i think he should worry about me. and i think he should be grateful as i chosed him instead of other guys. tapi kenapa dia macam tak endah je dekat empunya diri ini?

am i too easy to get? bila ingat-ingat balik, memang betul kot sebab bestfriend dia yang play hard for him to get me. that's why lah kot dia tak appreciate i kan? pelik, tapi memang laki semua sama ke eh? masa mula2 nak ngorat dulu bukan main lagi semangatnya, tapi bila macam dah dapat terus macam take it for granted. or am i being too cerewet? sebab selama ni as i can see other guys played hard even when they realized they would never get me. tapi ada jugakla yang take it for granted kan, some of them. hurm. tapi bila fikir2 balik selalu jugak i did bad to boys, so at last mesti terkena balik. haha. takpe2 itu kisah lama mesti ada hikmah Allah nak tunjuk kan? pengajaran kan kan? 

or am i too manja and mengada-ngada? sebab rasa macam diri ni budak2 lagi ke eh orang nak kena pay attention dekat kita? tapi memang betulla kan kalau in a relationship, attention tu yang nak kena bagi kan? am i an attention seeker? tapi orang memang nak seek attention dengan orang yang kita suka je kan? salah ke? hurmm. think deep think hard. tak cukup kasih sayang agaknya aku ni, haha.

kenapa dia tak buat something yang boleh make my heart melt? haa macam geli je kan dengar? tapi it is like this, kenapa dia tak buat something yang boleh buat aku jatuh cinta? ni honestly aku tak jatuh cinta lagi pun dengan dia. maybe suka tu ada tapi hey dude, you are wrong if you think that you've got me. and you are wrong if you think what you do all this while is enough to get me. that's why lah i'm saying that i can go to any people i like and to ignore someone you are not deeply in love with yet is so easy. 

as i realized, i had done many things, many sweet2 things in this relationship. tapi still macam biasa je he treated them all. letihlah. rasa macam nak stop. and kalau betul2 dia nak, biar dia jumpa parents dulu kan? habis cerita, kan senang.

and rasanya, dah banyak kali sangat2 terasa dengan dia. yeah, i admit i yang selalu buat dia marah but marah tu mestilah ada sebab kan? and i realized in this relationship i am the fire and you are the water. tapi awak anak last, and awak sangat kuat study and saya rasa awak memang tak kisah dengan saya sangat pun kan? awak just go with the flow and awak tak fikir pun benda2 yang other than this flow. sorrylah kalau macam mengada2 tapi saya tak suka nak to get serious with someone yang saya pun tak pasti dia serious dengan saya ke tak. cause saya someone yang serius when it comes to relationship like this. nampak saya macam main2 suka huhahuha gelak2 poya2 kan? tapi i am getting serious right now and i am getting more and more serious when it comes to this future matter. 

i am 21 already, and my mum always ask me to marry, and my dad keep telling me that he is so worry about me, and my grandma really really wanna know who is my boyfriend and she even invited my-nobody actually-boyfriend to dine at her home and and my jiha moist2 (my eldest sister) asked me to get married early and my friends keep telling me to be serious with only a guy and they keep saying that i need to marry so that nobody can disturb me. and my cousins and relatives keep stalking my facebook wall and those guys that ran after me before slowly moved away from my life and that is a big relief as i can see the reasons why the chased over me after all. and i also getting worried with my messy life and that is why i decided to open my heart on you but you see now that i'm not satisfied. 

and after those questions came up on my mind, do you think you are pretty enough to fit this condition? i am a complicated one with a complicated mind and complicated actions cause i am not just an ordinary girl you can found nearby. and please tell me if i do mistakes. but right now what i can do is just waiting and waiting for you to cherish my days or else i will just leave you. sounds easy right? but that is the truth. cause i'm believing this quote of  "the one who worth to be with is the one who worth waiting for".

and you know that this relationship is actually not halal in islam and i don't want to waste my time and my kudrat playing with this not-so-serious relationship and if you want me please think of marrying me by meeting with my parents and showing that to me. don't you just think of i am someone fun to be with as a girlfriend only? please think about it.

that's all i wanna say. i'm writing this as actually i wanna tell my conditions to some of my dear friends that we are too busy with our life and if we contact each other it would be hours and hours and i am about letting you know that everyday i remember all of you and i love you and i miss you even though i'm not reaching you all.

assalamualaikum.

Mencari Yang Satu

permudahkanlah.

peliharalah.

berilah kekuatan.

sungguh ku hilang dalam dunia.

kembalikanlah diri ini.

sedarkanlah diri ini.

permudahkanlah.

berilah petunjuk.

berilah hidayah.

tunjukilah sinar cahaya kebenaran.

melewati hidup yang hanya sekali ini.

jantung terasa bagai dirobek-robek.

dek gumpalan dosa yang memulas-mulas.

hati terasa dicarik-carik.

dek hunusan perasaan-perasaan dan emosi yang mencucuk-cucuk.

jiwa terasa semakin hilang.

dek bintik-bintik hitam yang menebal.

apakan daya diri ini.

ku bertanya pada-Mu.

mengapa diri ini terasa sebegini.

ku mohon petunjuk-Mu.

ku mohon hidayah-Mu.

ku mohon keberkatan-Mu.

berikanlah aku kekuatan.

kerna tidak mudah meninggalkan dosa yang sudah basi dalam jiwa.

berikanlah aku ketenangan.

kerna tidak dapat ku menenangkan hati yang kerap bergelora.

berilah aku kepuasan.

agar dapat ku teruskan dengan intifadha.

berilah aku keyakinan.

agar aku pasti sepenuhnya dengan janji-Mu ya Tuhan.

yang paling utama berikanlah aku hikmah dan pengajaran.

agar dapat kunilai sesuatu dengan lebih baik bersama rahmat-Mu Tuhan.

ameen ya rabb al-amin.

Jodoh

jodoh itu macam mana ya? kebelakangan ni selalu terfikir. apakah yang aku lakukan ini adalah yang sebetul2 nya? tetiba macam skema kan? okay tak best.


hurm.


so lately selalu sangat terpikiaq pasal ni. it is just because tak tahu nak ambil action apa sebenarnya dalam hidup ni. takut bila buat tu macam salah. pastu bila tak buat, macam eh ntah2 dia lah orangnya. masyaAllah. i really need guidance. tapi macam mengarut je kan nak tanya orang. tapi kalau tak tanye nak buat apa. buku aku terima nikahnya pun belum abes baca lagi. tu lah, aritu semangat sangatlah rasa macam nak kawenlah bagai, tapi akhirnya it stops there. kenapa?


and it is like diri ni terlampau letih dengan segala kisah2 cinta yang lama2 dah karat2 ni. yg pasti, sebenarnya diri ini telah penat memikirkan cinta lelaki yang macam mengarut2 tuh. mengarut kan cinta tu? teringin nak jadi orang lain yang tak terfikir pasal benda ni pun dalam hidup dia, yang tak ada sebarang masalah pun regarding this matter and tak ada pun nak pening kepala. 


okay dyorg pening kepala sebab benda lain.


aku pun pening kepala pasal benda lain jugak.


tapi tambah lagi dengan hal ni, macam letih sangat. bukan hendak putus asa atau mengeluh dengan Tuhan, aku syukur aku ada di dunia ni lagi. hidup lagi sampai sekarang. alhamdulillah. tapi. rasa rimas kan kadang2 sebab benda ni sesuatu yang kita tidak pasti nak buat apa. nak bercinta tak reti sangat. nak berdating2 ni haish lagi la mengarut ke apa haaaa ?! tak tawu. serius tak tawu.


i really wanna be with my husband only.


tapi kadang2 dengan lelaki2 yang hadir ini, mmg tak pasti siapa yang akan jadi si suami kan? itulah masalahnya sekarang. dah malas dah nak yakin sangat dengan sesiapa sebab selama ni yakin2 pun tak menjadi pun. haha. lupa pulak, muda lagi lahhhh. haha.


apa nak buat ni? malas lah nak main2kan hati orang lain. kita penat, orang lain pun penat. pastu tak tawu nak treat macam mana. kalau suka bgtawu awal2 kan senang. ni orang dah macam kawan dengan orang lain, pastu tiba2 datang balik. awat lambat sangat ni? tapi, i am really not a second chance giver. cause for me, it all went blur after it happened. get me? tak faham? emh, camana nak cakap. it is like when we are liking something, and tiba2 ada tamparan besar dalam hidup, most of us tend to just forget it and move on.


(mood jiwang)

maaf kerna ku tak bisa. 


aku tidak pasti adakah kamu orangnya. 
namun akan ku terus berdoa agar diberi hidayah dan petunjuk dalam diri ini.
takkan ku menyerah lagi pada cinta dusta.
aku seperti merindukan sesuatu yang tidak ku ketahui. 
adakah perasaan suka kepadamu yang masih tidak ku fahami?
perasaan yang terbelenggu ini  ku telah biarkan ia pergi.
pergi bersama simfoni angin dan redup pepohon hutan hijau.
berlalu bersama masa yang semakin ku tinggalkan.

akan ku lupai perasaan ini.
mungkin kau bukan orangnya. 
dan aku rasa kau memang bukan orangnya.
bukan orang yang ku cari untuk dijadikan suami.
tapi dalam diam mengapa aku rasa kecewa?
hati ini meronta-ronta.
siang hari tercari-cari.
malam seperti bermonolog dalam diri.
sungguh ku tak pasti dengan diri ini.
tidak pasti dengan keputusan ini.
tidak pasti dengan segala-galanya.
hanya mampu berserah pada Ilahi.
hanya mampu melalui jalan yang diberi Tuhan.
kerna Tuhan lagi maha mengetahui.

segala apa yang terjadi dan yang terlintas dalam hidup ini.
hanya secebis perihal mu menjadi ingatan.
dalam subuh yang berkumandang azan. 
ingatan dikau dalam kepalaku kadang2 menjelma.
hanya itu yang mampu ku lakukan.

kerna bagiku kamu sangat mulia.
kamu cintai Nabi seadanya.
kamu sayangi saudaramu kerna Ilahi.
kamu berdakwah tidak henti-henti.
kamu usaha berubah menjadi hamba-Nya sepenuh hati.

dan kita amatlah berbeza.
tidak layak diriku untuk berdamping denganmu.
kerna aku hanya serpihan serpihan begini. 
perempuan biasa yang masih mencari diri sendiri. 
sedangkan kau bermimpi untuk menjadi ulama yang hebat dan disegani.
untuk menolong Islam di mata dunia.
tidak, tidak akan sekali aku pergi padamu.

maaf sungguh aku tidak layak untukmu.
malu ku di hadapanmu.
rasa rendah diri dan hina untuk bersamamu.
kerna ada lagi wanita yang lagi bisa bersamamu.
yang lagi mempesona dah hebat dariku.
yang lagi warak dan lemah lembut.
sedangkan aku baru hendak berubah menjadi wanita.
sungguh aku tidak sesuai sekali.

dan maaf andainya aku berlaku kasar padamu.
kerna takkan ku biarkan kamu tahu.
bahawa diri ini pernah menyayangi.
pernah menyayangi mu setulus hati suatu masa dahulu.
hati kecil ini kuat meronta-meronta dan menangis.
tapi apakan daya ini semua ketentuan Ilahi.
ada rancangannya yang tidak kita tahui.
hanya mampu berserah segala-galanya.
terlalu lama perasaan padamu itu telah pergi.

kerna hati yang disakiti lebih ku pentingkan daripada perasaan ini.
dan andainya sikapku terlalu kasar padamu.
sungguh tidak aku niati berbuat begitu.
diri yang lemah ini pernah inginkan kamu.
namun terlalu banyak benda yang berlaku.
akan ku biarkan ini pergi.
kerna kupasti Tuhan maha melindungi.
maha mengetahui dan maha menyayangi.

maafkan aku kerna berkasar denganmu.
maafkan aku kerna tidak mahu menerima.
maafkan aku kerna bagiku cerita kita sudah tiba penghujungnya.

maafkan aku kerna.
sungguh aku tak bisa.



ikhlas daripada hati kecil yang menangis dan meronta-ronta.

Pisces

This one as a result of watching The Vow.


Hehe.


If you are Pisces:
You have loads of sex appeal and are a fabulous lover. You do not approve of casual flings. You prefer to be in serious relationships. You love to lavish attention and affection on your sweetheart. You are very easy to get along with. Your partner is also your best friend. Romantic dates turn you on. You are very passionate and romantic in your relationships. At the same time, you are extremely sensitive. Your partner will love you for your joyful, understanding and free-spirited nature.

Your kissing style:
Your passionate kisses know no bounds.

To attract you, the opposite sex must be:
caring, ambitious, romantic, sensitive, etc.

You are more compatible with:
Pisces, Virgo, Cancer, Scorpio, Capricorn


Heuheuheu.

Self Reminder

Nak sihat puasalah.


Mahu wajah berseri bangunlah malam solat.

Mahu mudah bacalah Quran.


Mahu bahagia solatlah awal waktu.

Ada masaalah banyakkan istighfar.

Rasa duka berdoalah.

Gawat dan terlalu rumit bacalah la haula wala quwwata illa billah.


Mahu barakah selawatlah.

Choices and Chances

ouh i really believe in our life there would be many choices to be chosen of, and it is not that easy for making any decision. and there would be lots of chances coming ahead but you just gotta be sure on taking any of it.


just want to tell a true story how Allah had made my day very well.


it was thursday 15th march 2012.


on that night i really have to choose either these 3 important events :


1. finishing our enzyme lab reports that combined about 3 experiments
2. solat hajat between 102 batches including biomed and cts
3. maslin's final basketball match


and i felt like i wanna attend all of those and i have no idea and i was so running out of time.


there was a small change in the calculation of result of the experiment told by the lab instructor yesterday which meant a lot to us. we need to calculate every single values and make new graphs on all of those changes. and husna was crying and i was crying with her and both of us crying like hell as we need to submit the report by that day.but the lab instructor gave permission to our class to submit the report by that night at her room in talhah1. so we were like crying and moaning and crumbling and talking to ourselves and being crazy and so messy that evening. and maslin was busy with her training and hasnah was so far away in maimunah. the only left were me, husna, una and khairani. we were so stressed and that was the most stress and patienceless lab report we ever made. 


and there also big solat hajat program which i also want to attend and i thought khairani should attend because she needed to attend it. and i wanted to accompany her to kop musolla, but it was like whattt??? at kop???? huh!! okay! we will come! but it was raining heavily and we were thinking and thinking and thinking who will finish the report? ughh.


and it was maslin and ada and atie and kak elin and kak jiah final match and i wanna watch it i wanna watch it i wanna watch it !


at a time, Allah will give you what you need and fulfill your hopes no matter how time is out right ?


and the night went on with :


1. khairani and i hurried up to kop musolla without even bother to bathe. and we brought some of the lab reports and laptop to musolla. and we met yasmin on our way. and we met stray dogs in front of us, and we were shouting like nobody was around. =.=''


2. arrived at kop, after prayer, we finished our part of the lab report and not listening any to the ceramah. (this is not good everybody, hehe)


3. khairani needed to go back as she only wore telekung and how come she wanna go to sport complex isnt it ? so i went to sport complex by madi's ride with yasmin after catched some kuih muih wearing jubah. 


4. i asked madi to bring a lot more friends to sport complex, so he brought ajee and the gang.


5. we led the cheerleader with kak ema and jumped by wearing jubah ? haha. and maslin and the gang won the match and i am so happy with that.


6. going back to mahallah at around 11.30 p.m. and surprised as the report not done yet.


7. merempits with khairani at around 1.30 a.m. in the morning wearing nightdresses to talhah1 and submit the lab report under the lab instructor's room. the makguard was watching us because we didnt wear any helmets and i was like tata the makguard with smileeeeeeeeeee, haha.


and alhamdulillah everything went so perfect.


although it was the toughest moment i ever went through, i know there would be more and more tougher moment ahead. we just need to be patience and go with the flow.


so how is this related to choices and chances ?


it is like we are the one who will make choices based on the chances.


thanks Allah for making my day. =)